Ruminations, Reflections and Random Reckonings
Go ahead and bury James Brown for goodness sake! I know he's the Godfather of Soul, but enough is enough. Keeping him on ice in his living room for weeks on end is just creepy. He's not going to come back to life, sit up and scream "I feel good" and change the will. Let him rest in peace (not in the house). It's bad enough that Ted Williams head is still frozen while his body is buried. What is WRONG with some of these people?? Beam me up Scotty!
ALERT!!! This just in!! People in the New Jersey area beware! There is a squirrel eating advisory out. If you're going to eat your squirrels, make SURE from now on, you keep your consumption to no more than TWO of the little rodents a week! It seems they may have become just a tad radioactive or full of lead, so unless you practice a little restraint...you could end up glowing in the dark! (First the Garden State is accused of stinking up Manhattan, NOW this squirrel thingy...I'm thinking it's a conspiracy or terrorist plot!) Always remember to cook your squirrel thoroughly before eating.
Okay, ENOUGH with the stupid NutriSystem commercials or the "Man Plan" weight loss crap. Now, I know that January is the month to try and guilt everyone into their resolution to lose weight, but give us a freakin' break! This year's advertising campaigns are seriously stepping on my last nerve. I'm all for men losing weight right along with us females...equal opportunity and all..BUT have you noticed the basic underlying theme to the male commercials is "lose weight, have more sex!" ...and swear, if I have to hear John Kruk say one more time the idiotic line .."My wife says I'm not AS disgusting anymore" I'm going to throw my TV through a window...get real, I'm sure if you're a man and have earned the label of being "disgusting" from a spouse, it's for a lot more than just your weight. Also that perky cheerleader from hell proclaiming "This is a size TWO!!" with that demonically overly-happy giggle would have to die if she lived in my neighborhood.
*********Deep Breath Time***********
Continuing on now...
If you live in the frigid north today, you're earning your tagline today. Yankee males should not go near metal poles, especially if you're a little ummmm...excited today. You'd hate to have any protrusions (or your pole) get frozen TO a pole...it could be a little painful to pry off. The alternative is to stand there until you thaw out or get a helping hand to warm things up.
Sing with me..."How many times must a man lose the race, before he decides he shouldn't run??" I see that Al Sharpton is yet again considering running for President. Oh well, with the 4000 people that have already formed exploratory committees, I'm expecting Pee-Wee Herman to announce any day now too.
A scientist in NC has just developed a Caffeinated Doughnut and a way to add caffeine to baked goods in general! Do we REALLY need people more wired up than they already are? Great, so in rush hour now...people can eat their caffeine deep fried with chocolate on top, have their washtub size full cup of Starbucks coffee to wash it down...all while talking on the cell phone and trying to change lanes! Does anyone but me see that this might be a little bit of a potential problem? Is it any wonder that no one can sleep through the night anymore without the help of sleeping aids? (Ummmm...give me an old fashioned round of hot sweaty sex, and I'll sleep just fine without any chemical inducements...call me a rebel! *wink*)
In closing...let us all take a moment of silence to show our support for Mozart. Not the composer, the iguana. It seems that Mozart (the reptile) has had an erection that has lasted for a full week. He's scheduled to go under the knife sometime in the next couple of days to have his teeny weeny penis amputated. (Ouch!) This is the only solution they can "cum" up with to relieve the problem (hmmmmmm...a lot of men I know would be putting up a billboard bragging about this "problem"). While it seems a "tad" extreme to me...all is not lost. It seems that Male Iguanas have not one, but TWO penises...a primary and a back-up (that could cum in "handy" for threesomes I'd suppose). SO, Mozart will still be able to make whoopie. *whew!*
Mozart, btw...sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.
"It doesn't bother him. He doesn't know what amputation means," said vet Luc Lambrecht, adding that Mozart's sexual activity should be undimmed by the operation.
*rolling my eyes* What a relief!! I'm SO glad a lizard hasn't figured out what amputation means yet.
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