Expressions That Make You Fit to be Tied & Other Southern-isms to Ponder

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we’ll go with that for now). I realize that male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge under the best of circumstances..throw in a few regional and cultural differences and it’s not only like we are from Mars and Venus, but from different galaxies altogether. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it’s a great shock…stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day-to-day communications.

I know, I know!! It’s hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved Southern phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people who just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves on occasion. I just don’t see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we’re very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I’ve managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I’ve sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. Of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I’m making perfect sense. If I’m being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I’m visiting New York and Connecticut..I “might” turn on my Southerness a bit more, just for effect. I can’t help it, Yankees are so much fun to play with. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can’t figure that one out, it encompasses taking the stick out of one’s butt and learning to laugh at one’s self rather than being so serious all the time). Besides, I’m constantly fielding requests when there to just “say something” so they can hear my “cute little accent”. So, being the polite compliant belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way! Bless their hearts.

So today, I send a perfectly innocent little text message..something along the lines of..

” I swanny (and yes that actual IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink”

Okay, that isn’t along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee..

“What the HELL kind of word is that??”

I then had to send the definition of the word “swanny”, using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. For those of you that don’t know, the definition of swanny is to declare, affirm or swear something. I’ll let y’all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks about the actual content of my text or to construct your own sentences…I don’t text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud (and not in an emoticon type of way), but rather in a manner that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don’t miss my mind at all anymore. I’m better off without it and fixin’ to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a “character” when I grow up. (i.e.-”She’s a real character, isn’t she?”)

Now I ask you…if you heard these phrases, wouldn’t they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech? Here is just a small sampling of a few things you might hear come from a Southerners mouth…

“she was as ugly as the backside of a barn"

“you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put up wet”…

“It smells like something done crawled up here and died!”

“that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart”…

“we’re smack dab in the middle of something good”

“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!”

“You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.”

“He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest!”

“Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”

“Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

“That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob”

“If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

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I know, by now you’re all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don’t think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain’t your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, it’s not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain’t nothing that can’t be fixed with a glass of sweet tea…join me on the porch and we’ll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin’!

Have a good ‘un and y’all come back to see us, you hear?

Now I ask you…HOW simple is that?? It’s JUST plain boring English after all! Feel free to use any of the above “Southern-isms”. Don’t mind the occasional strange looks that might follow, they’re just jealous they aren’t so inventive and descriptive!

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Tongue in cheek Disclaimer: No one living above the Mason Dixon line was targeted or harmed in the writing of this bit of fluff andit is all in fun. I happen to absolutely adore and delight in the differences of personality that all the regions in our country produce. It’s a small part of what makes life an interesting adventure.

(For the record, this particular bit of writing seemed to send spell check into a tizzy of its own, apparently IT doesn’t speak plain, simple English either!!)

Predict This!

I don’t mind getting wrinkles. The way I see it, wrinkles are just a natural part of going through life. I’ve earned the smile lines on my face from seeing the world through a slightly sarcastic wit and with humor. I’ve even earned a worry line or two as I’ve raised my children or navigated my way through any pitfalls and challenges I’ve encountered. I wear my wrinkles with pride.

I don’t even mind too much the fact that on some days my “get up and go” seems to have done “gone up and went” and left in its wake a sore muscle or two where previously I would have been none the worse for wear. I’ve found ways to work around sore backs or the occasional lack of energy when I’ve been overly ambitious and forgotten the day before that even though my mind still THINKS like a 20-year-old, my body works like a 40 something and will loudly let me know when I’ve done more than I should. I just plan for recovery time and keep the Tylenol handy as needed.

For the most part, I enjoy this stage of life very much.

What DOES bug the holy heck out of me, is not being able to SEE anymore!

I’ve never had great eyesight. I’ve been very nearsighted since 5th grade, a legacy from my Mom. I started wearing contacts in 6th grade and have never looked back (so to speak). The fact that I don’t have and will never have 20/20 vision has always just been a constant in my life and not such a big deal. I have slowly come to the growing realization over the past few years however, that I can no longer see anything right in front of my nose without wearing my Dollar Tree readers. I am officially now blind as a bat, without the benefit of sonar. It turns out that aging is not indeed for wimps.

Plainly put, if I manage to somehow wander out into the world without one of my several dozen pair of reading glasses close at hand, I’m a menace to society. At the very least, I’m prone to severe fubars when it comes to deciphering details on packages or when reading menus in restaurants. My grown children have many stories of horror where they have had to read menu selections to Mom in full view of the public.

Now, finally to my problem de jour. Texting.

I’m hip..I really REALLY am. (quit laughing) I was geeky when geeky wasn’t cool and have maintained my stellar dork status throughout my life by staying current with new technology. I twitter. I blog. I instant message with a favorite Yankee frequently. I get it. While I still enjoy reading an actual book over owning a Kindle or iPad, and on occasion still would rather compose an old-fashioned snail-mail letter or send a handwritten card vs. an e-card, I for the most part, love the convenience of all things electronic. I will admit that I do have my own way of doing things and might put my own twist on how I use all these “timesavers”. Nonetheless, I stay well versed in most of the newest and at times silliest trends and innovations that come down the proverbial pike.

Texting, however, has become quite a challenge at times. I sit and watch my kids as they text. The blur of their fingers as they massacre the English language in 160 characters or less, yet can still manage to broker world peace, carry on a verbal conversation AND order pizza at the same time, astounds me. Without a single thought or even a glance most of the time, they can fly on tiny keyboards of varying designs and most of the time, I can even make out the real meaning of what they meant to convey as pertinent information in their texts to me.

Here’s where my individuality (you do remember that dying trait, don’t you?) comes in. My phone has dual keyboards. I love the versatility and many possibilities of it. Not only do I have an actual numerical keyboard to make calls with, I also have a full QWERTY keyboard at the ready for texting or composing my version of War and Peace should I so choose to do so on the flea sized keys. Instead of using the itty bitty “full” size keyboard though, I prefer to use the wonders of “predictive text” instead when I send my pearls of wisdom, edicts from Mom, sarcastic thoughts or purely flagrant flirting out to the world.

This is where the problem begins.

It turns out to my absolute amazement, that predictive text, ISN’T really all that predictive when it comes to putting together words that actually make sense when composing a text message. Who knew?? Apparently everyone but me.

Obviously whomever predicted how most people speak was from Mars (or a man). They also were obviously in severe need of a Magic 8 ball if this is their version of prediction.

Call me crazy, but when I want the word “it” in a sentence, for some reason, I find no rhyme or reason as to why, my phone insists on putting “ht” in as what it THINKS I mean to say. HT isn’t a word in any language I’ve ever encountered, yet my SMARTphone, insists on putting it into everything I write. My shortcoming in not always having reading glasses around when I might need them (insert, all the time) means that anyone receiving my texts has to learn to decipher what I meant to say rather than the cryptic mess of characters they might actually receive. I choose to think of it as creating my own language. Heck, that’s what the kids do with LOL and LMAO and TTFN, so why can’t I invent “senior moment texting”?

Other common words that are likely to be inserted by mistake include, but are not limited to…”nope” for “more”, “of” rather than “me”, “tie” instead of “the” and the ever popular “duck” rather than, well you get the idea. Suffice it to say that I’ve discovered the HARD way that predictive text was not really designed with sexting in mind either.

Most of the time, the people I’m texting are either related to me or are as “mature” in years as I am and have known me a long time, so they are used to whatever might cross their screens and knows what I meant to say and interpret it pretty well. They already know that I use correct grammar and spelling in my texts because the teacher in me will not allow me to use “text-speak” with a clear conscious. Well, I TRY to use correct spelling and punctuation, when I can see what I’m doing and the crack predictive text will let me. On top of it all I think I must type with a Southern accent, so that might lead to a tad more confusion at times when colorful, apparently obscure (for Yankees anyway) phrases emerge from my brain.

Anyway, life goes on and I’m adapting in my own special way. I just simply pretend I MEANT to send whatever gibberish I convey and keep texting.

One of these days they’ll invent a keyboard that isn’t meant for fingers the size of gnats and a TV sized screen for we baby boomers that might be becoming a bit challenged with our eyesight. That way we can see what we’re doing and keep up with each other and all these young whippersnappers that are coming along behind us.

To paraphrase a movie quote from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, “I’m older and I spend more money”!! I may also be a tad meaner, but that’s an issue for another day. There HAS to be a growing market for those of us that are slightly sight challenged by our years of experience. (we’ll go with that. See, I CAN be politically correct at times!)

As for the attempts at marketing a phone meant for MY parents, the Jitterbug is a dance, not a phone. Please don’t insult our intelligence, however fleeting it may be. I refuse to be uncool, even it if means I keep sending my own unique brand of communications via text. Perhaps my new way of text-speak will become an overnight sensation.

Anyway BOT, IDK much but I’ll BBL and TTYL. CYA!!!

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

On this day in history, the little blue wonder pill, more commonly known as Viagra, finally got was was cumming to it!! On March 27, 1998, amid a rising swell of popularity, the US Food and Drug Administration approved it’s use in the United States. It burst onto the scene and has continued to expand it’s popularity time after time.

Sildenafil, the active drug in Viagra, was originally designed to lower blood pressure. Why simply lower blood pressure when you can raise the bar and produce a firm result in other areas of interest as well? The cheap magic manhood pills offered and available anonymously online immediately served as the ultimate turn on for spam filters worldwide when a sudden explosion of emails started to appear.

Up until it’s approval, the drug market had been limp and listless in the treatment of ED, struggling hard to stay on top of the situation. Viagra and it’s uplifting side effects were discovered quite by accident when those experiencing a new surge in their libido refused to return the medicine. While at first extremely HARD to get, it soon became clear it had massive staying power and would have a firm hold on consumers.

Rigid requirements at first made it hard to get your hands on. Through masterful manipulation of the media, however, a solid groundswell of popularity forced it to be thrust more quickly into production. That resulted in deep satisfaction among it’s many recipients.

So, it’s with GREAT pleasure and deep satisfaction we all take time and with a stroke or two of the pen, send our birthday wishes to the quicker, picker upper we have now grown to know as Viagra on it’s 11th birthday. May it always rise to the top among the stiff competition it faces.

It Ain't Easy Being Green, But Apparently It's VERY Stimulating! - March 17, 2009

Once again with the turn of the calendar, it’s the day to celebrate all things Irish and in the process, all things green. Why Crayola alone makes 20 different green crayons in varying hues, so there must be something to all this green fever!

Our language is liberally seasoned with metaphors, idioms and phrases all revolving around our obsession with the color of money and luck.

We are taught that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the green green grass of home is a good thing.

You can turn green with envy when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head.

Dr. Seuss pointed out that despite Sam I Am’s obsession with Green eggs and ham, that it’s probably not going to be a hot seller on the menu at IHOP or Waffle House anytime soon.

We wax poetic about the green green grass of home and how green the valley and play on fields of green while wearing green for luck.

We don’t know for sure, but it’s entirely possible that the GreenEyed Lady of Sugarloaf song fame…”Green eyed lady, ocean lady…Soothing every wave that comes” might have been Green around the gills if she was prone to seasickness by that ocean.

You can be a greenhorn, have a green thumb, or wait in the green room if you are a celebrity. You can get a green light to proceed in life or traffic. We love to have plenty of greenbacks in our pocket, especially in this economy.

According to Celtic myths, the Green Man was the God of Fertility.

Green has long been considered a metaphor and symbol for fertility and this was evident in the fifteenth (15th) century as Green was the preferred color for wedding attire.

The symbolism attached to the color Green continues to this day even though it has now taken on more modern meanings.

For instance, did you know that green M&M’s have long been the subject of myth as they are considered, by some, to have magical aphrodisiac powers? As to whether or not this is true is, of course, subject to interpretation, but I for one, always save the green M&M’s to eat last, just for luck. Apparently others must do the same thing because in 1996, a commercial was released that asked “Is it true what they say about green ones?” Hey, can’t hurt to try and M&M’s are MUCH cheaper than oysters or that famed little blue pill (not to mention a lot less slimy!).

Perhaps that why Kermit was always lamenting that “It ain’t easy being green” and explains why Ms. Piggy was always in hot pursuit of his cute little green tooshie. He is, after all, the very essence and symbol of fertility and the perfect aphrodisiac personified in amphibian form. I ask you, how could a mere female pig be expected to resist that??

Green occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye than most colors, and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world, making it an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

A few fun facts all surrounding the color green that you might not know…

Interesting information about green:

Green was the favorite color of George Washington, the first President of the United States.

The color green signifies mystical or magical properties in the stories of King Arthur.

Green is one color that means “low” or “guarded” in the color-coded threat system established by presidential order in March 2002. This system quickly informs law enforcement agencies when intelligence indicates a change in the terrorist threat facing the United States.

Green is the color used for night-vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to and able to discern the most shades of that color.

Bright green is the color of the astrological sign “Cancer.”

Green ribbons have been used by a range of environmental groups to symbolize organ donation and transplant, awareness of Bipolar Disorder, solidarity with Chechnya, and support of farmers in America.

NASCAR racers have shared a bias against the color green for decades. Reportedly, it began after a 1920 accident in Beverly Hills, California, that killed defending Indianapolis 500 champion Gaston Chevrolet. It was the first known racing accident in the United States to kill two drivers, and Chevrolet reportedly was driving a green car. Tim Richmond once refused to drive a car sponsored by Folger’s decaffeinated coffee because the primary color was green. He wound up in the Folger’s regular coffee car - and its red scheme. But the fear of green cars is fading, primarily because sponsors are willing to pay $15 million to splash their colors on a race car. Green is now the primary color of cars driven by Mayfield, Marlin, and J.J. Yeley.

Green in athletics and sports:

In auto racing, a green flag signals the start or resumption of a race.

The green belt in Judo symbolizes green trees. Just as a green tree is the tallest living thing, so should our own pursuit of knowledge be, aiming high and keeping the goal of our achievement (top of the trees) in high esteem.

Green as a Signature Color:

Kermit the Frog

Companies or brands identified primarily with green:

H&R Block

BP

Heineken

Starbucks

The Masters Golf Tournament

Rolling Rock

Garnier Fructis

John Deere

What it says about you when you buy a green vehicle…

There is no question that the vehicle you drive is an extension of your personality — an unspoken, but clear message to the rest of the world.

The message you send by driving a vehicle that is Dark Green: Traditional, trustworthy, well-balanced.

If, however, your vehicle is a Bright Yellow-Green, you give a different impression: Trendy, whimsical, lively.

The color green is said to affect us physically as well in these ways:

Soothes

Relaxes mentally, as well as physically

Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety

Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra, also known as Anahata.

This chakra is located at the center of the chest area and is linked to the heart, lungs, circulatory system, cardiac plexus, and the complete chest area.

The Heart Chakra bridges the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds. Opening the Heart Chakra allows a person to love more, empathize, and feel compassion.

Gemstones that will aid the Heart Chakra include jade and malachite.

And finally, just so we don’t leave anyone out…

Green around the globe:

Green is used worldwide to represent safety.

In several religions, green is the color associated with resurrection and regeneration.

In Ghardaia and other parts of M’zab, houses painted in green indicate that the inhabitants have made a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Green, blue-green, and blue are sacred colors in Iran, where they symbolize paradise.

As the emblematic color of Ireland, green represents the vast green hillsides, as well as Ireland’s patron saint, St. Patrick.

In Japan, green is regarded as the color of eternal life.

In Aztec culture, green was considered to be royal because it was the color of the quetzal plumes used by the Aztec chieftains.

The solid green flag of Libya is currently the only national flag of a single color.

In China, jade stones represent virtue and beauty.

In Portugal, green is the color of hope because of its associations with spring.

In the highlands of Scotland, people used to wear green as a mark of honor.

There is a superstition that sewing with green thread on the eve of a fashion show brings bad luck to the design house.

Personally given the whole aphrodisiac thingy, I’m thinking we should all dye ourselves green for the day. Hey, if it works for Kermit, who are we to argue with success?? *wink*

Wishing you a rainbow

For sunlight after showers—

Miles and miles of Irish smiles

For golden happy hours—

Shamrocks at your doorway

For luck and laughter too,

And a host of friends that never ends

Each day your whole life through!

Wait Just a Pea Pickin' Minute!! - July 14th, 2008

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we'll go with that). Now while male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge in the best of circumstances, throw in a few regional and cultural differences and at times, it's not only like we are from Mars and Venus..but from different galaxies altogether as well. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot most of the time in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it's a great shock...stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day to day communications.
I know, I know!! It's hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people that just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves. I just don't see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we're very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I've managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I've sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. (of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I'm making perfect sense) If I'm being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I'm visiting New York and Connecticut..I "might" turn on my Southerness a bit more just for effect. I just can't help it. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can't figure that one out, taking the stick out of one's butt and learning to laugh at one's self rather than being so serious all the time) Besides, I'm constantly fielding requests to just "say something" so they can hear my "cute little accent" *rolling my eyes*. So, being the belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way!

So today, I send a perfectly innocent little text message..something along the lines of "I swanny (and yes that actual IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink" Okay, that isn't along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee.."What the HELL kind of word is that??" From there I sent the definition of the word "swanny" along with using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. (for those of you that don't know, the definition of swanny is to declare or swear) I'll let y'all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks or construct your own sentences...I don't text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud and not in a emoticon type of way, in a way that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don't miss my mind at all anymore. I'm better off without it and fixin' to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a "character" when I grow up. (i.e.-"She's a real character, isn't she?")

Now I ask you...if you hear these phrases, wouldn't they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech?

"she was as ugly as the backside of a barn"... or

"you look like you've been ridden hard and put up wet"...

"It smells like something done crawled up here and died!" or

"that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart"...

"we're smack dab in the middle of something good"

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I know, by now you're all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don't think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain't your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don't go throwing a hissy fit, it's not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain't nothing that can't be fixed with a glass of sweet tea...join me on the porch and we'll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin'!

Have a good 'un and y'all come on back by, you hear? *wink*

Now I ask you...HOW simple is that?? It's JUST simple english!

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(for the record, this particular bit of writing sent the spell check into a tizzy of it's own, apparently IT doesn't speak plain, simple English either!!)

Ruminations, Reflections, and Random Reckonings

Ruminations, Reflections and Random Reckonings

Warning: The blog today is a freestyle walkthrough of my brain...enter at your own risk! Last chance to exit this ride. Please keep feet and arms inside the blog at all times.

Go ahead and bury James Brown for goodness sake! I know he's the Godfather of Soul, but enough is enough. Keeping him on ice in his living room for weeks on end is just creepy. He's not going to come back to life, sit up and scream "I feel good" and change the will. Let him rest in peace (not in the house). It's bad enough that Ted Williams head is still frozen while his body is buried. What is WRONG with some of these people?? Beam me up Scotty!

ALERT!!! This just in!! People in the New Jersey area beware! There is a squirrel eating advisory out. If you're going to eat your squirrels, make SURE from now on, you keep your consumption to no more than TWO of the little rodents a week! It seems they may have become just a tad radioactive or full of lead, so unless you practice a little restraint...you could end up glowing in the dark! (First the Garden State is accused of stinking up Manhattan, NOW this squirrel thingy...I'm thinking it's a conspiracy or terrorist plot!) Always remember to cook your squirrel thoroughly before eating.

Okay, ENOUGH with the stupid NutriSystem commercials or the "Man Plan" weight loss crap. Now, I know that January is the month to try and guilt everyone into their resolution to lose weight, but give us a freakin' break! This year's advertising campaigns are seriously stepping on my last nerve. I'm all for men losing weight right along with us females...equal opportunity and all..BUT have you noticed the basic underlying theme to the male commercials is "lose weight, have more sex!" ...and swear, if I have to hear John Kruk say one more time the idiotic line .."My wife says I'm not AS disgusting anymore" I'm going to throw my TV through a window...get real, I'm sure if you're a man and have earned the label of being "disgusting" from a spouse, it's for a lot more than just your weight. Also that perky cheerleader from hell proclaiming "This is a size TWO!!" with that demonically overly-happy giggle would have to die if she lived in my neighborhood.

*********Deep Breath Time***********

Continuing on now...

If you live in the frigid north today, you're earning your tagline today. Yankee males should not go near metal poles, especially if you're a little ummmm...excited today. You'd hate to have any protrusions (or your pole) get frozen TO a pole...it could be a little painful to pry off. The alternative is to stand there until you thaw out or get a helping hand to warm things up.

Sing with me..."How many times must a man lose the race, before he decides he shouldn't run??" I see that Al Sharpton is yet again considering running for President. Oh well, with the 4000 people that have already formed exploratory committees, I'm expecting Pee-Wee Herman to announce any day now too.

A scientist in NC has just developed a Caffeinated Doughnut and a way to add caffeine to baked goods in general! Do we REALLY need people more wired up than they already are? Great, so in rush hour now...people can eat their caffeine deep fried with chocolate on top, have their washtub size full cup of Starbucks coffee to wash it down...all while talking on the cell phone and trying to change lanes! Does anyone but me see that this might be a little bit of a potential problem? Is it any wonder that no one can sleep through the night anymore without the help of sleeping aids? (Ummmm...give me an old fashioned round of hot sweaty sex, and I'll sleep just fine without any chemical inducements...call me a rebel! *wink*)

In closing...let us all take a moment of silence to show our support for Mozart. Not the composer, the iguana. It seems that Mozart (the reptile) has had an erection that has lasted for a full week. He's scheduled to go under the knife sometime in the next couple of days to have his teeny weeny penis amputated. (Ouch!) This is the only solution they can "cum" up with to relieve the problem (hmmmmmm...a lot of men I know would be putting up a billboard bragging about this "problem"). While it seems a "tad" extreme to me...all is not lost. It seems that Male Iguanas have not one, but TWO penises...a primary and a back-up (that could cum in "handy" for threesomes I'd suppose). SO, Mozart will still be able to make whoopie. *whew!*

Mozart, btw...sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.

"It doesn't bother him. He doesn't know what amputation means," said vet Luc Lambrecht, adding that Mozart's sexual activity should be undimmed by the operation.

*rolling my eyes* What a relief!! I'm SO glad a lizard hasn't figured out what amputation means yet.

Readin', Writin', and Rantin'

READIN', WRITIN' AND RANTIN'
(A TRIP INTO THE

EDUCATIONAL

TWILIGHT ZONE)

Imagine if you will, a roomful of 25+ assorted people all somewhere under the age of 10. It's early in the morning, there are no video games available to keep them mesmerized/occupied and they are all trying to either tattle, tinkle, or talk at the same time. As this picture starts to play in your head, know that you are going to be confined in this room for the next 8 hours with these same little bundles of energy and distraction...unable to even run across the hall to pee for 30 seconds, lest you leave them unattended that long, there is no reprieve for mental health (for yourself). Add to that, several will bounce in and out randomly all day for their specialized programs such as speech, inclusion, EIP classes or hearing and vision testing....and you start to have a little peek into the day of a teacher.

Anyone that has been acquainted with me for any length of time on here, already knows that I have two professions that I juggle. Both are important to me, both are what I consider vital jobs. The profession of flight attendant, especially after 9/11, has become a needed job where trained professionals have to be willing to literally risk their lives, sometimes at the hands of everyday passengers furious over throwing away their shampoo, to help ensure the safety of the traveling public. The days of "glamor", if they ever existed for stewardesses, is long gone. We now have to wear several hats, in what is often a thankless, but necessary job. I still love it for many reasons. I feel as if I make a difference in my own way.
The profession that is my heart though, is the one of schoolteacher. I taught school fulltime for many years. When I took a leave of absence of a few years to raise my children to school age, I always missed the classroom...but in true Kat fashion...when I went back to work, I went into something completely different. As much as I loved what I was doing, teaching always pulled at my heart. A few years ago, I made the decision to do both and went back into the classroom as a substitute teacher.

Gradually, I've been pulled back in deeper and deeper to the point of working in the schools on an almost fulltime basis. I find it fuels my soul, even when it's exhausting me. Recently, I've been offered a job that would force the decision to finally stop flying and go back into the classroom. Even though I've been battling it for years, I'm starting to think it may be time, especially given the changes I see coming full steam ahead in my life.
Like most of you, I've seen both sides of the coin. I'm a parent and am rabid about sticking up for my children, guiding them...going to bat for them when needed in their school lives. As a teacher, I see many things that most of you can't imagine during the course of a normal day. Some things that would warm your heart...some things that would chill your soul to know our society has progressed to this point and that our children are suffering the damage. I want to give you a little peek into the thoughts of someone that is trusted with guiding young lives.

Are teachers perfect? Oh heck no! For the most part, we are all feisty and outspoken...opinionated. We have strong personalities. We are often rabid and have tunnel vision when it comes to wanting the best for one of "our" kids. Just as in the business or retail world...there are those that do not belong in the classroom, that are only there to collect a paycheck and it shows. The majority are there though, because they love what they are doing. They have a passion in their hearts for helping a child realize his or her potential...for seeing that young life turn into something so vital. We care, we want to make a difference and do just that. Trust me, you have to love what you're doing or you don't last. The ones I mentioned above? The paycheck seekers? Most of them end up washing out...it is not a profession for the weak or meek.

Imagine your children when they are being told at home to do something they might not want to do, like clean their room. Can you see the eye rolls and hear the sighs or outright defiance? Keep that thought in your head and multiply it by 25 (and thank a teacher that you know HOW to multiply! :P). Add to that, some parents actually tell their children, they don't have to do what a teacher says, only their parents. (I don't think so!) Kids come into the classrooms each and every morning with 25+ different personalities. Some are tired, some are wired...some quiet...some ready to kill each other. A good majority of them have to eat breakfast at school. Some didn't get enough sleep at night or have been sent to school sick and are whiny. All of this has to be sorted out before the bell rings for the day to begin. They are all talking to you at once...yet you hear it all, delegate and sort it out. Some just need a hug or to have someone listen to them, since no one at home makes the time to do so.

The day begins and you jump right into work. Even in Kindergarten classes nowdays, there are a myriad of lessons to be learned, a fast paced schedule to get through..while actually making sure the children are retaining what you're trying to engage their minds around. Some days are easier than others...some days you feel as if you're slogging through mud. While you're teaching, you might be having announcements interrupting...kids going in and out of classes to specialized lessons or ESOL classes (for the non-English speaking students, don't even get me started on that one)...and the assorted fire drills or now the lovely school lock down drills that absolutely terrorize Elementary school children, but are necessary. For a couple of months a year, we are now required to teach them how to take a standarized series of tests that many of us disagree with in the pressure it puts on the children, not to mention they try to measure a year's worth of learning in one fell swoop...remember how "valid" those lovely SAT's were in measuring true knowledge, especially for those that don't test well?

The classroom I was in today (a 1st grade class), has the first 2 1/2 hours of the school day without a break...only work. There are no video games to babysit the kids when the teacher gets tired. It's all YOU and finding ways to capture their imagination..when it clicks, there is nothing like it. The look of wonder on the face of a child that "gets" it, is priceless. There are days where it's like beating your head against a wall though. Then at 10:32, it's time for lunch...yes, LUNCH...whether you're hungry or not. You better be there right at 10:32...not 10:30, not 10:35...or the end of the world is near. We're trying to feed 1200 kids and if the schedule is thrown off, life as we know it ends.

After lunch, this class has a 15 minute recess. By the time we hike out to the playground, it's almost time to round them up to come in...don't even talk to me about getting them all in coats they don't want to wear or the kids that show up in shorts with no coats in 20 degree weather. Back to class, more lessons. An hour or hour and a half later...it's time for specials (PE, Art, Music, or Computer), for 45 minutes. Then back to class for a last lesson in Social Studies or Science. The last 10 minutes is spent in a frantic dance of packing up to go home. Loading backpacks with work already done and more work to be done for homework...making sure they have their heads attached and double checking to see how they are all getting home when parents forget to send a note about changes in transportation...making sure notes are sent home for parents not to read half the time. The bell rings and chaos ensues for the next 15 minutes while we make SURE that all the children are safe and headed where they need to go.

After the school starts to slow down, the announcements come on from the office letting us know of meetings or duties to be done. There are stacks of papers to review and correct. The room, even when the kids clean it up...still has to be rebuilt to a degree every afternoon. Morning work has to be put out for the next day. Parents calls have to be returned, notes written...reports done to ensure there is a paper trail for any actions that have been taken in the interest of the children.

So yes...the next person that tells me teachers have it made will get an earful as usual. The next person that tells me how lucky we are to get two weeks at Christmas and the summer off, needs to stop to think. (btw...someone has to teach summer school..and with the influx of new federal testing, summer school is decidedly crowded these days). Yes..the next person I see totally disrespect those in education without having an iota of what a typical day is like in a classroom or school...much less the un-typical day...when they themselves would not be caught DEAD in a classroom for days on end with a classroom full of children...are the same ones that fuss, whine and complain about having their own children get on their nerves at home if they are bored...will hear from me. DO stay interactive in your child's education...and if something is truly wrong..make noise, get them help if they are in trouble with their learning process. Just make sure the noise is warranted, a real problem and not just incompatibility of personalities. Children need to learn that in life, there will be many people they have to learn to work with...to adapt. It too, is one of life's lessons. I know the education system is not perfect and parts of it are purely flawed...at times it frustrates the hell out of me too, both as a parent and a teacher, but it's what we have for now unless we all plan to homeschool our children. (not me, let someone else teach MY angels! :P)

Teachers are not perfect. We are mouthy. We are stubborn...we are made of stern stuff, but for the most part...we love what we do. We are dedicated. We ARE passionate. We ARE in the trenches...and trust me, with the way education and society is going these days, it's not easy most days. We have to be counselors, ambassadors, referrees, moms, nurturers, politicians, cheerleaders and still manage to teach...both lessons in education and in life.

The next time you're calling one an idiot or complaining, stop to think if YOU'D want to be the one in that classroom every single day...stop to think if you COULD be the one to do that job and how important it is. It's easy to find fault...to constantly focus on only your needs or complaints. I know that some people have horror stories about situations your children might have had...my kids have had a teacher or two along the way I would have cheerfully strangled. I know how horrible that is when it's your child and I feel for anyone that's had that situation.

Just remember the good educators far outweigh the bad ones. Try to remember that we deal with not only the distinct personalities of the children, but have to soothe or reassure 1200 sets of parents (or guardians, grandparents, partners...the family unit has changed). We deal with custody issues and criminal ones. We also have our own lives and our own children or concerns. There are days we are exhausted and rundown...mentally at the end of our rope, yet we go into the classroom and put on our happy face for those 8 hours and often bring work home. Teachers do the best we can, and most days...that's pretty darned good. We care...we love...we guide...we teach.

We make a difference. I wouldn't trade it for the world.




***I saw someone call an educator an idiot today...it fired me up, obviously. Now, while she may indeed be an idiot, when you don't see the other side and are only basing your opinion on gossip from other parents (many who have agendas or get on the mob mentality bandwagon)...when you've only seen a small slice of what might have been a tough Monday for her, and was at least a very LONG day for her...it puts me on my soapbox. *smiling sweetly*

My 10 Commandments of Blogging (Or Thou Shalt Not Be a Sleeze)

My 10 Commandments of Blogging

1. Thou shalt not whine, b*tch, gripe, complain or try to guilt "friends" into liking you or constantly complain about your general lack of attention in blogs, blasts and quick comments. It's reminicient of the old childhood ditty of "No one likes me, everyone hates me...I'm going to the garden to eat worms" and completely irritating. Mmmmmmmm'kay...go right ahead, protein is good for you.

2. Thou shalt not send private messages (even the very nice and humorous ones) and then leave people absolutely NO way to answer you. If your options are set to receive messages from people on your friend's list only, your quick comments on your page are not accessible for anyone but friends (and you only have one friend on your page in the first place), and/or your yahoo ID is not listed so that someone can send you an email or messenger answer...that's a HUGE problem and frustrating! You should not send message after message and then wonder why no one answers you. (BEAR!!! NO ONE CAN ANSWER YOU IF YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR SETTINGS!! *wink*)

3. Thou shalt not have the right ("gentlemen") to fuss WHEN (not if) the combination of women you put on your page resembling the hoochie mama convention in Las Vegas start to turn on you and each other trying to compete in who will out-slut each other. Men, you reap what you sow. Try to remember that we females have absolutely no common sense at times and you will (read that, you WILL) have some females on your list that could have appeared in Fatal Attraction boiling bunnies. They will make your life miserable if you start to flirt with every single female online when they thought they were special. I know it's fun to attract 300 of your bestest naked buddies (even the ones with fake pics) so it looks like you're the Hugh Hefner of the internet...but just be ready when it starts to explode. (or when you catch something from sleeping around with everyone that will share you in real life for a "meaningful" one night stand)

4. Thou shalt not ("ladies") have the right to complain about, stalk, threaten to kill yourself, nor trash a man's reputation by going to every female on his page to "warn" his friends about him...if you've made a bad choice or been naive enough to fall in love with a total stranger "bad boy" online without ever meeting/dating him before you jump into bed with him. If you find the afore mentioned "bad boys" unbearly attractive, then also realize there is a reason they have that label and as in #3, you will get what you asked for. They WILL be bad with you and will earn that reputation by being scum with you too. Do not post endless blogs bemoaning the fact that you've been an idiot and how it's all his fault. Pull up the big girl panties already, learn and move on. There is such a thing as the high road.

5. Thou shalt not put thy full real name, social security number, phone number and address online for all the world to see...not even to get birthday presents or so that people can help you out in paying your electric bill. Not only is it a "tad" dangerous, it just means we'll have to all take up a collection to have the word "stupid" tattooed on your forehead. Privately sharing your personal information with people you have actually known for a while and form a connection with is perfectly acceptable if you have been tested and found to have common sense and a bit of intuition. If in real life, you constantly find yourself surrounded with people that disappoint or mistreat you, assume you have not passed the common sense test.

6. Thou shalt not change your blast every five minutes by moving a puncutation mark or adding a space, just to get people to notice you and perhaps visit your page. Chances are it will not have the desired effect and only label you as suffering from a severe case of LACK OF ATTENTION DISORDER.

7. Thou shalt not have a totally blank profile and expect to have everyone flock to be your friend. If you have no pictures (even an avatar), no information...not even a cheesy quote on your page, prepare to be pretty lonely. Even if you might be a hot babe or stud muffin man in real life (not likely, but it could happen)...having no personality or a personality that is only player-like in appearance, is pretty much a boring turn-off.

8. Thou shalt not proclaim regularly of having to clean your list up or have a count down to deletion. If you feel the need to trim your "friends" list of the deadwood, just go the heck ahead and do it, but quietly. If you feel the need to announce it ad nauseum...beg, plead, threaten or conjole your "friends" to flock to your page to announce their fidelity and everlasting loyalty to you, it defeats the purpose. To make a "friend" feel the need to apologize for not visiting your page on YOUR schedule and for letting their real life intrude on your online only friendship isn't very friend-like. This is online people. If you don't know someone in real life, you need to realize they have different priorities and things happening in their life that might intrude on this wonderful circus called cyberspace. Everyone here has a different commitment level or reason for being here...along with differing ways of interacting. None of them are right or wrong. If their way of interacting doesn't meet up with the highly unrealistic expectations you cook up in your thought process of how they should handle online interactions, that is your problem, not theirs. Just delete them without fanfare and find other minions that will kiss your butt the way you want them to.

9. Thou shalt not send friend requests simply consisting of the basic standard invitation or one that only includes your desire to cam. If you're only here to get your rocks or rockettes off (while still being totally in love with your spouse or significant other and always faithful...news alert, if you form emotional connections or vitually get naked with others on here, it's not fidelity, even with the spouse's "permission" *rolling my eyes*), more power to you...just don't expect that everyone you find attractive or throw an empty barrage of compliments at is going to immediately fall under your spell and want get nekkid for you. As for just sending the basic invitation, don't assume someone won't visit your page and discover your fetish for spanking, three-somes, and f*cking animals or that you are a total dork too lazy to do anything to your page BEFORE they click accept.

10. Thou shalt not repeatedly call attention to how many people have visited your page or act like a teenager in a high school popularity contest, crawling over others or figuratively screwing anyone you meet (without the benefit of lube) in an attempt to fuel your own ego. If you're getting tons of hits, that's a great thing. Hopefully, it's because you're an interesting, lovely or studly person that people want to be around and actually enjoy interacting with and reading what you have to say. If it's simply because you're an attention whore (male or female) pulling stunts, creating drama or acting like the town ride to order to gain the title of Mr. or Ms. Popularity that you do not enjoy in real life (usually for good reason), you will indeed get a reputation...just probably not the one you were aimming for. Here's a radical idea...try being yourself. You might be pleasantly surprised to find a lot of other people online that actually like you for yourself and not the caricature you hide behind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus:

11. Thou shalt NOT send mass messages to everyone on your list either proclaiming your love for "me" and/or the demonic version of an online chain letter. Please don't hit me with the sexy truck, warn me to not add the latest rumored hacker that will erase my hard drive, or tell me how special I am (along with every other female on your list that you're trying to cam with). If you feel the need to send something around, at least have the ability to know how to hide the fact that it's not an exclusive message by checking the box on the messages to hide the other recipients ID's. If you are incapable of doing this, you will be quietly deleted from my list (see #8 above) if it occurs over and over again after I've asked you politely to knock it off. It's frustrating to have everyone that you sent it to, hit "reply all" and to get the same message (that was silly in the first place) 300 more times from total strangers.

Kiss Me In the Morning (In ANY other state but Florida!)

The Art of Kissing...
And Why You Should Kiss, Too

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out among friends, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".)

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest contact sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

The Art of Kissing Is Easy
Kissing is easy to transport...I mean, aren't your lips usually with you all day? It really doesn't matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September (any other time of the year there, you stand a good chance that you might be frozen together until the Spring thaw, so kiss at your own risk).

Kissing is the perfect sport. It requires little equipment (Ummm, beyond the original model stuff included at birth, upgrades optional and rarely really necessary), which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and marsupial groupies. Airport scanners have yet to make you check your lips as potential lethal weapons...they are still considered carry-on.
Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is still legal (for now), in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan. (Check your local listings, I hear that some kissing on places other than the lips is against the law in certain areas..party poopers!)

Cases in point...

In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

In Florida, You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (What about women other than your wife?) Oral Sex is also illegal.

(Adjust your travel plans accordingly)

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment. Please recycle, it's the least you can do to help add to the global warming situation.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving. Ummmm...where to plant the kiss is up to the passenger...but the driver must keep both hands on the wheel.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Draino. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: "Kissing prevents diabetes")

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid. (Why isn't it on that blasted food pyramid as a daily requirement for health then??)

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same time though...especially not your girlfriend and your wife. You do so at the risk of bodily harm.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

Extreme Kissing NOT Recommended

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field like that well-dressed gentleman at the Superbowl.

I do NOT recommend "extreme kissing". For instance, don't kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don't kiss any electrical outlets, unless you're trying for that adorable frizzy hair look and into the sexy burnt flesh smell.

Are you paying attention? This one is important. Don't kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; I feel this one is self-explanatory. And don't kiss your office manager while on duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit.

Overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local bar, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with. (ummm...personally though...and this is up to you of course, I might limit the kisses passed out to those of the opposite sex. Unless of course you are a fledgling beauty queen taking pictures for future posterity and fame.)


So, anyone up for a kiss? Lay one on me Baby!

Remember, it's said...practice makes perfect (and is purely a lot of fun too, what a deal)!