Expressions That Make You Fit to be Tied & Other Southern-isms to Ponder

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we’ll go with that for now). I realize that male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge under the best of circumstances..throw in a few regional and cultural differences and it’s not only like we are from Mars and Venus, but from different galaxies altogether. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it’s a great shock…stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day-to-day communications.

I know, I know!! It’s hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved Southern phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people who just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves on occasion. I just don’t see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we’re very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I’ve managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I’ve sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. Of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I’m making perfect sense. If I’m being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I’m visiting New York and Connecticut..I “might” turn on my Southerness a bit more, just for effect. I can’t help it, Yankees are so much fun to play with. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can’t figure that one out, it encompasses taking the stick out of one’s butt and learning to laugh at one’s self rather than being so serious all the time). Besides, I’m constantly fielding requests when there to just “say something” so they can hear my “cute little accent”. So, being the polite compliant belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way! Bless their hearts.

So today, I send a perfectly innocent little text message..something along the lines of..

” I swanny (and yes that actual IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink”

Okay, that isn’t along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee..

“What the HELL kind of word is that??”

I then had to send the definition of the word “swanny”, using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. For those of you that don’t know, the definition of swanny is to declare, affirm or swear something. I’ll let y’all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks about the actual content of my text or to construct your own sentences…I don’t text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud (and not in an emoticon type of way), but rather in a manner that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don’t miss my mind at all anymore. I’m better off without it and fixin’ to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a “character” when I grow up. (i.e.-”She’s a real character, isn’t she?”)

Now I ask you…if you heard these phrases, wouldn’t they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech? Here is just a small sampling of a few things you might hear come from a Southerners mouth…

“she was as ugly as the backside of a barn"

“you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put up wet”…

“It smells like something done crawled up here and died!”

“that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart”…

“we’re smack dab in the middle of something good”

“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!”

“You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.”

“He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest!”

“Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”

“Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

“That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob”

“If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

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I know, by now you’re all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don’t think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain’t your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, it’s not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain’t nothing that can’t be fixed with a glass of sweet tea…join me on the porch and we’ll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin’!

Have a good ‘un and y’all come back to see us, you hear?

Now I ask you…HOW simple is that?? It’s JUST plain boring English after all! Feel free to use any of the above “Southern-isms”. Don’t mind the occasional strange looks that might follow, they’re just jealous they aren’t so inventive and descriptive!

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Tongue in cheek Disclaimer: No one living above the Mason Dixon line was targeted or harmed in the writing of this bit of fluff andit is all in fun. I happen to absolutely adore and delight in the differences of personality that all the regions in our country produce. It’s a small part of what makes life an interesting adventure.

(For the record, this particular bit of writing seemed to send spell check into a tizzy of its own, apparently IT doesn’t speak plain, simple English either!!)

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

On this day in history, the little blue wonder pill, more commonly known as Viagra, finally got was was cumming to it!! On March 27, 1998, amid a rising swell of popularity, the US Food and Drug Administration approved it’s use in the United States. It burst onto the scene and has continued to expand it’s popularity time after time.

Sildenafil, the active drug in Viagra, was originally designed to lower blood pressure. Why simply lower blood pressure when you can raise the bar and produce a firm result in other areas of interest as well? The cheap magic manhood pills offered and available anonymously online immediately served as the ultimate turn on for spam filters worldwide when a sudden explosion of emails started to appear.

Up until it’s approval, the drug market had been limp and listless in the treatment of ED, struggling hard to stay on top of the situation. Viagra and it’s uplifting side effects were discovered quite by accident when those experiencing a new surge in their libido refused to return the medicine. While at first extremely HARD to get, it soon became clear it had massive staying power and would have a firm hold on consumers.

Rigid requirements at first made it hard to get your hands on. Through masterful manipulation of the media, however, a solid groundswell of popularity forced it to be thrust more quickly into production. That resulted in deep satisfaction among it’s many recipients.

So, it’s with GREAT pleasure and deep satisfaction we all take time and with a stroke or two of the pen, send our birthday wishes to the quicker, picker upper we have now grown to know as Viagra on it’s 11th birthday. May it always rise to the top among the stiff competition it faces.

It Ain't Easy Being Green, But Apparently It's VERY Stimulating! - March 17, 2009

Once again with the turn of the calendar, it’s the day to celebrate all things Irish and in the process, all things green. Why Crayola alone makes 20 different green crayons in varying hues, so there must be something to all this green fever!

Our language is liberally seasoned with metaphors, idioms and phrases all revolving around our obsession with the color of money and luck.

We are taught that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the green green grass of home is a good thing.

You can turn green with envy when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head.

Dr. Seuss pointed out that despite Sam I Am’s obsession with Green eggs and ham, that it’s probably not going to be a hot seller on the menu at IHOP or Waffle House anytime soon.

We wax poetic about the green green grass of home and how green the valley and play on fields of green while wearing green for luck.

We don’t know for sure, but it’s entirely possible that the GreenEyed Lady of Sugarloaf song fame…”Green eyed lady, ocean lady…Soothing every wave that comes” might have been Green around the gills if she was prone to seasickness by that ocean.

You can be a greenhorn, have a green thumb, or wait in the green room if you are a celebrity. You can get a green light to proceed in life or traffic. We love to have plenty of greenbacks in our pocket, especially in this economy.

According to Celtic myths, the Green Man was the God of Fertility.

Green has long been considered a metaphor and symbol for fertility and this was evident in the fifteenth (15th) century as Green was the preferred color for wedding attire.

The symbolism attached to the color Green continues to this day even though it has now taken on more modern meanings.

For instance, did you know that green M&M’s have long been the subject of myth as they are considered, by some, to have magical aphrodisiac powers? As to whether or not this is true is, of course, subject to interpretation, but I for one, always save the green M&M’s to eat last, just for luck. Apparently others must do the same thing because in 1996, a commercial was released that asked “Is it true what they say about green ones?” Hey, can’t hurt to try and M&M’s are MUCH cheaper than oysters or that famed little blue pill (not to mention a lot less slimy!).

Perhaps that why Kermit was always lamenting that “It ain’t easy being green” and explains why Ms. Piggy was always in hot pursuit of his cute little green tooshie. He is, after all, the very essence and symbol of fertility and the perfect aphrodisiac personified in amphibian form. I ask you, how could a mere female pig be expected to resist that??

Green occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye than most colors, and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world, making it an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

A few fun facts all surrounding the color green that you might not know…

Interesting information about green:

Green was the favorite color of George Washington, the first President of the United States.

The color green signifies mystical or magical properties in the stories of King Arthur.

Green is one color that means “low” or “guarded” in the color-coded threat system established by presidential order in March 2002. This system quickly informs law enforcement agencies when intelligence indicates a change in the terrorist threat facing the United States.

Green is the color used for night-vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to and able to discern the most shades of that color.

Bright green is the color of the astrological sign “Cancer.”

Green ribbons have been used by a range of environmental groups to symbolize organ donation and transplant, awareness of Bipolar Disorder, solidarity with Chechnya, and support of farmers in America.

NASCAR racers have shared a bias against the color green for decades. Reportedly, it began after a 1920 accident in Beverly Hills, California, that killed defending Indianapolis 500 champion Gaston Chevrolet. It was the first known racing accident in the United States to kill two drivers, and Chevrolet reportedly was driving a green car. Tim Richmond once refused to drive a car sponsored by Folger’s decaffeinated coffee because the primary color was green. He wound up in the Folger’s regular coffee car - and its red scheme. But the fear of green cars is fading, primarily because sponsors are willing to pay $15 million to splash their colors on a race car. Green is now the primary color of cars driven by Mayfield, Marlin, and J.J. Yeley.

Green in athletics and sports:

In auto racing, a green flag signals the start or resumption of a race.

The green belt in Judo symbolizes green trees. Just as a green tree is the tallest living thing, so should our own pursuit of knowledge be, aiming high and keeping the goal of our achievement (top of the trees) in high esteem.

Green as a Signature Color:

Kermit the Frog

Companies or brands identified primarily with green:

H&R Block

BP

Heineken

Starbucks

The Masters Golf Tournament

Rolling Rock

Garnier Fructis

John Deere

What it says about you when you buy a green vehicle…

There is no question that the vehicle you drive is an extension of your personality — an unspoken, but clear message to the rest of the world.

The message you send by driving a vehicle that is Dark Green: Traditional, trustworthy, well-balanced.

If, however, your vehicle is a Bright Yellow-Green, you give a different impression: Trendy, whimsical, lively.

The color green is said to affect us physically as well in these ways:

Soothes

Relaxes mentally, as well as physically

Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety

Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra, also known as Anahata.

This chakra is located at the center of the chest area and is linked to the heart, lungs, circulatory system, cardiac plexus, and the complete chest area.

The Heart Chakra bridges the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds. Opening the Heart Chakra allows a person to love more, empathize, and feel compassion.

Gemstones that will aid the Heart Chakra include jade and malachite.

And finally, just so we don’t leave anyone out…

Green around the globe:

Green is used worldwide to represent safety.

In several religions, green is the color associated with resurrection and regeneration.

In Ghardaia and other parts of M’zab, houses painted in green indicate that the inhabitants have made a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Green, blue-green, and blue are sacred colors in Iran, where they symbolize paradise.

As the emblematic color of Ireland, green represents the vast green hillsides, as well as Ireland’s patron saint, St. Patrick.

In Japan, green is regarded as the color of eternal life.

In Aztec culture, green was considered to be royal because it was the color of the quetzal plumes used by the Aztec chieftains.

The solid green flag of Libya is currently the only national flag of a single color.

In China, jade stones represent virtue and beauty.

In Portugal, green is the color of hope because of its associations with spring.

In the highlands of Scotland, people used to wear green as a mark of honor.

There is a superstition that sewing with green thread on the eve of a fashion show brings bad luck to the design house.

Personally given the whole aphrodisiac thingy, I’m thinking we should all dye ourselves green for the day. Hey, if it works for Kermit, who are we to argue with success?? *wink*

Wishing you a rainbow

For sunlight after showers—

Miles and miles of Irish smiles

For golden happy hours—

Shamrocks at your doorway

For luck and laughter too,

And a host of friends that never ends

Each day your whole life through!

Superstition Is To Blame

Forget for a minute that we’re in the middle of the most troubling frightening worldwide economic downturn of our times. Totally disregard the fact that there are people in the world with no respect for human life and are instead full of hate and determined to do harm to others. Never mind that we have an as yet untested (thank God) inexperienced new administration in our country that has stumbled badly coming out of the gate. It all pales in comparison to this…

Today is Friday the 13th. Not just any Friday the 13th mind you. It’s one of a trio we will have in 2009. The first was in February, this one in March, and then the last will come in November. To have three Friday the 13ths in a single year is not a common occurrence. Statistically, it’s only possible to have the 13th fall on three Fridays in a single year every eleven years. Lucky us. With all that is going on around us, it almost seems to be poetic justice that we have this occur this year too. Heck, at this point, why not?

Even the most non-superstitious among us will take pause and notice a Friday the 13th. We make movies around it, architecture is changed to avoid the number 13 and some will even alter their plans in order to “be on the safe side” on this day…just in case. It’s folklore of the most persuasive kind. The type that feeds upon itself and permeates our consciousness almost against our will.

Where does all this superstition come from? Nobody knows for sure. Some theories believe that it may date back to Biblical times (the 13th guest at the Last Supper betrayed Jesus). By the Middle Ages, both Friday and 13 were considered bearers of bad fortune.

Meanwhile the belief that numbers are connected to life and physical things, called numerology, also has a long history. People are subconsciously drawn towards specific numbers because they know that they need the experiences, attributes or lessons, associated with them, that are contained within their potential. Some believe that Numerology can ‘make sense’ of an individuals life (health, career, relationships, situations and issues) by recognizing which number cycle they are in, and by giving them clarity.

Here are 13 more facts about the infamous day, just for fun. At the very least it will add to your Trivial Pursuit scores. At most, it will give you a little more insight into human behavior and perhaps the origins of your own beliefs.

1. The British Navy is said to have built a ship named Friday the 13th, or the HMS Friday, which on its maiden voyage left dock on a Friday the 13th, and was never heard from again. This story seems to be a legend. The Royal Navy Museum states on its web site that this story, which has been told before, is a hoax. “There has never been a Royal Navy ship named HMS Friday – or after any other day of the week for that matter,” the museum states.

2. The ill-fated Apollo 13 launched at 13:13 CST on Apr. 11, 1970. The sum of the date’s digits (4-11-70) is 13 (as in 4+1+1+7+0 = 13). And the explosion that crippled the spacecraft occurred on April 13 (not a Friday). The crew did make it back to Earth safely, however.

3. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor.

4. Fear of Friday the 13th, one of the most popular myths in science, is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

5.Quarterback Dan Marino wore No. 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. Despite being a superb quarterback (some call him one of the best ever), he got to the Super Bowl just once, in 1985, and was trounced 38-16 by the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana (who wore No. 16 and won all four Super Bowls he played in).

6.Butch Cassidy, notorious American train and bank robber, was born on Friday, April 13, 1866.

7. Fidel Castro was born on Friday, Aug. 13, 1926.

8. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

9.Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

10. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. “It was bad luck,” Twain later told the friend. “They only had food for 12.”

11. Woodrow Wilson considered 13 his lucky number, though his experience didn’t support such faith. He arrived in Normandy, France on Friday, Dec. 13, 1918, for peace talks, only to return with a treaty he couldn’t get Congress to sign. (The ship’s crew wanted to dock the next day due to superstitions.) He toured the United States to rally support for the treaty, and while traveling, suffered a near-fatal stroke.

12. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number — 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

13. The seals on the back of a dollar bill include 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 stars above the eagle’s head, 13 war arrows in the eagle’s claw and 13 leaves on the olive branch. So far there’s been no evidence tying these long-ago design decisions to the present economic situation.

So, there you go..take it as you will or with a grain of salt. Don’t forget if you spill that salt, to toss some over your right shoulder though, can’t be too careful! Don’t walk under ladders, be careful not to break any mirrors, open an umbrella in the house or let a black cat cross your path today.

Lord knows, with the world in the shape it’s in, do you REALLY want to tempt fate?? See a penny, pick it up. With St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to carry around those 4 leaf clovers a few days early. Better safe than sorry.
Just a thought. (Knock on wood *wink*)

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Superstition

Stevie Wonder

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,

Very superstitious, ladder’s ’bout to fall,

Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass

Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,

Then you suffer,

Superstition ain’t the way

Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,

Rid me of the problem, do all that you can,

Keep me in a daydream, keep me goin’ strong,

You don’t wanna save me, sad is my song.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,

Then you suffer,

Superstition ain’t the way.

Very superstitious, nothin’ more to say,

Very superstitious, the devil’s on his way,

Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass,S

even years of bad luck, good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,

Then you suffer,

Superstition ain’t the way.

Why Waste a Good Crisis...

...when you can create widespread comic relief and chaos instead??







Let's put aside for the moment the pure idiocy and symbolism of giving a button to push, much less a RED button to the Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov as her opening salvo into discussions of US-Russian relations. Ummmm..HELLO?? How in heaven's name do translators get the intended word "Reset" somehow confused with "Overcharge"??? Where were the proofreading skills that I make even my kindergarten students practice? Perhaps a Freudian slip.


Let's totally disregard the fact that just last week it was leaked, rumored, whatever..that President Obama sent a letter a few weeks ago offering to put the brakes on or totally abandon the missile shield program overseas if Russia would "help" us in persuading Iran to play nice and give up their dangerous toys (can't have them putting anyone's eye out, now can we??)


Then our illustrious Hope and Change administration also managed to alienate British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and in the process look cartoonish, when in an epic (can't do anything small, now can we?) thoughtless gesture, gave him plastic gift shop helicopters and a DVD collection of American movies in exchange for a few priceless "trinkets" that he and his country bestowed on our new best hope. I guess Walmart didn't have any of the "As Seen on TV" products in stock to sweeten the gift pot.


I know what you're thinking...obviously DVDs and plastic helicopters stack up SO well with an ornamental desk pen-holder made from the oak timbers of the Victorian anti-slaver HMS Gannet, once named HMS President for the Resolute desk in the Oval office...the framed commission for HMS Resolute, a vessel that came to symbolise Anglo-US peace when it was saved from ice packs by Americans and given to Queen Victoria...and a first edition set of the seven-volume classic biography of Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert. They also brought thoughtful handpicked gifts for the first girls.


The Obamas in turn, managed to treat the Gordons like the relative you see once a year at Christmas and use the last pennies of your gift budget to grab something on clearance...and in the process snub one of our staunchest allies. Mission Accomplished, Mr. President!! Please keep making us proud! Why not just give them a gift card while you're at it. At least that might have stimulated the economy in some way if they redeemed it.


When the Obama administration touted the fact that they were going to boost our reputation on the world stage again, I didn't think they meant the comedy stage. The world is starting to snicker at the United States and beginning to fall off the adoration bandwagon. The pedestals are being put away in favor of feet of clay.


The resounding chorus coming from the top...starting with Rahm Emanuel and echoed by Hillary Clinton this week...

~“Never waste a good crisis,” Clinton told a hearing at the European Parliament.
“And when it comes to the economic crisis, don’t waste it when it can have a
very positive impact on climate change and energy security.” … “This is a
propitious time … we can actually begin to demonstrate our willingness to
confront this. We are making up the best we can for lost time,” she
added.~

...when in the middle of a worldwide economic meltdown is chilling if you pay attention. Focus is being absolutely lost on the important immediate economic domestic issues in favor of cramming every single piece of expensive pet agendas through on the coattails of each piece of legislation being considered. Heck, ignore the fact that we are hemorrhaging money, let's revamp health care and give everyone a pig in a poke while we're at it!! Oh wait, those pigs probably cause global warming and might be construed as pork or need lipstick...better make it tainted peanut butter instead!!! Yeah, that's the ticket! That will build respect for us around the world!


Hold on to your goodie bags, it appears to be Howdie Doodie Time again!


Bless their hearts.

"Obama inherited a disaster and has created a catastrophe." Ann Coulter

Kiss Me In the Morning (In ANY other state but Florida!)

The Art of Kissing...
And Why You Should Kiss, Too

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out among friends, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".)

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest contact sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

The Art of Kissing Is Easy
Kissing is easy to transport...I mean, aren't your lips usually with you all day? It really doesn't matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September (any other time of the year there, you stand a good chance that you might be frozen together until the Spring thaw, so kiss at your own risk).

Kissing is the perfect sport. It requires little equipment (Ummm, beyond the original model stuff included at birth, upgrades optional and rarely really necessary), which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and marsupial groupies. Airport scanners have yet to make you check your lips as potential lethal weapons...they are still considered carry-on.
Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is still legal (for now), in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan. (Check your local listings, I hear that some kissing on places other than the lips is against the law in certain areas..party poopers!)

Cases in point...

In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

In Florida, You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (What about women other than your wife?) Oral Sex is also illegal.

(Adjust your travel plans accordingly)

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment. Please recycle, it's the least you can do to help add to the global warming situation.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving. Ummmm...where to plant the kiss is up to the passenger...but the driver must keep both hands on the wheel.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Draino. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: "Kissing prevents diabetes")

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid. (Why isn't it on that blasted food pyramid as a daily requirement for health then??)

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same time though...especially not your girlfriend and your wife. You do so at the risk of bodily harm.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

Extreme Kissing NOT Recommended

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field like that well-dressed gentleman at the Superbowl.

I do NOT recommend "extreme kissing". For instance, don't kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don't kiss any electrical outlets, unless you're trying for that adorable frizzy hair look and into the sexy burnt flesh smell.

Are you paying attention? This one is important. Don't kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; I feel this one is self-explanatory. And don't kiss your office manager while on duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit.

Overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local bar, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with. (ummm...personally though...and this is up to you of course, I might limit the kisses passed out to those of the opposite sex. Unless of course you are a fledgling beauty queen taking pictures for future posterity and fame.)


So, anyone up for a kiss? Lay one on me Baby!

Remember, it's said...practice makes perfect (and is purely a lot of fun too, what a deal)!