I'm Not Settling For Just Getting By..Are You?

I rarely, if ever, listen to the drive time disc jockeys (even though I dated a prominent one here in at Atlanta years ago). Usually, when they start endlessly talking ad nauseum about some silly subject designed to titillate the masses, I switch to another station or at times even just turn the radio off in favor of a little blessed hard found silence on the drive home.


Today though, on the way home from the airport, one of the local shows hit on a topic that was morbidly fascinating to listen to. It was a case of not being totally surprised by the subject matter, quite frankly it’s something I’ve addressed many times over the years. Instead it amazed me that so many people would get on live radio and be brutally honest, no holds barred. They were taking the chance of hurting those that love them or that were clueless in their relationships by using not only their names, but in having someone hear and recognize their voices.


As I said, the topic was not a surprise. The DJs asked who amongst us had “settled” in their relationships for someone that was “safe” rather than what we truly wanted. By safe, they meant someone that we thought would be a good mate or parent, that would most likely never stray but if we’re honest with ourselves, we really have little to no attraction to besides friendship and never will. They asked who had married someone that they “learned” to have some feelings for, however pale those emotions might be, but that they do not have passion for.


The phone lines were literally jammed with callers almost eager to tell their tales of passing over the ones that fired their senses for the one that will simply “do”. While there were plenty of men calling, the women were far more brutal and plentiful in their descriptions of how boring their mates were. Most also were very honest about their lack of attraction for their partner’s looks and desirability factor. Even those only married a short time no longer had any great desire to be intimate with their mates. The spark just isn’t there and wasn’t there to begin with.


It was almost as if the floodgates had been opened and all the people that had been hiding in the shadows with their discontent, now felt free to finally share their deepest secrets with all of Atlanta. So why do so many people settle and stay in relationships that are not meeting their needs and never will?


Why are we all still here?


Why are we still dealing with it?


What is it that makes us attempt to salvage every shred of our relationships?


Is it attachment? Insecurity? Is the thought of being alone so terrible that we’re settling with unsatisfactory actions or the lack thereof in our relationships? Can they really love us as much as they say they do and act like such jerks sometimes? (Uninterested, interested in someone else, or only interested in themselves?)


Some of the reasons we settle in relationships and stay in relationships:

1. Security


2. Fear of Change


3. Safety


4. It's easier to stay in our comfort zone without too much effort required or expected of us


5. Attachment


6. Afraid to be alone


7. Not wanting to disappoint our peers or family and take the chance of being excluded from the "group" and upset the status quo


8. Fear of being seen as the bad guy/gal or appearing to be selfish


9. What if the next relationship is worse?


10. A sense of obligation/responsibility, whether real or imagined

Is there a way you are settling for less than you deserve in a relationship? Are you saying a clear “no” to things that do not work for you or the things that are not right for you? Are you afraid of being alone? Afraid you will not have another chance at love? And most of all, do you feel unworthy to have a deeply loving relationship?

Or could it be that having a real adult relationship is too scary and too much work? Is it too daunting to let someone see that much of yourself and take the chance they might not like what they discover? Are we too afraid to reach for what we want and deserve to have..to live life to the fullest? Are we becoming a society that is satisfied with apathy and being just “okay” rather than striving for excellence in every area of our lives, personal and professional?


Are YOU settling? If so, why do you choose to cheat yourself and everyone around you by withholding major parts of yourself or disconnecting from life and not living it to it’s full potential?



Is it ever okay to settle for apathy and merely what we think we can "get" over what we want and need to be TRULY happy in order to live life to it's full potential? Is that fair to ourselves or for that matter to those we choose to settle for? Are we cheating them as well out of their chance for happiness?

What Makes You Stay - Deana Carter from Hope Floats

Look at me

I'm in a place

I never thought I'd be..

Don't have the strength

To fight anymore

Or a reason not to leave.

So tell me why I still keep holding on

To something I just cannot see.

What makes you stay

When your world falls apart?

What makes you try one more time

When it's not in your heart?

At the end of your rope

When you can't find any hope..

You still look at her and say

I just can't walk away.

Tell me what makes you stay.

I'm not afraid

Of living alone

I was alone before he came.

I've been in love

Many times before

But this time's not the same.

I've always been the first to say goodbye

Now it's the last thing I can do.

What makes you stay

When your world falls apart?

What makes you try one more time

When it's not in your heart?

At the end of your rope

When you can't find any hope

You still look at her and say..

I just can't walk away.

Tell me what makes you stay.

When it goes this deep

And feels this strong,

I can't convince myself

That this love is wrong.

What makes you stay

When your world falls apart?

What makes you try one more time

When it's not in your heart?

At the end of your rope

When you can't find any hope..

You still look at her and say

I just can't walk away.

Tell me what makes you stay.

Take a Chance On Life..Make it Count

Take chances…
Tell the truth…
Date someone totally wrong for you…Twice…
Say no…
Spend all your cash…
Fall in love…
Get to know someone random…
BE RANDOM…
Say “I love you”…
Trust even when it scares you…
Sing out loud…
Let someone know how much they mean to you…
Laugh at a stupid joke…
Cry…
Get revenge now and then…
Apologize…
Tell a jerk what you think of them…
Let someone know what they are missing…
Share your inner thoughts…
Occasionally give in to your secret urges…
Take a chance on someone…
Try new looks…
Take the road less traveled…
Don’t take yourself so seriously all the time…
Tell someone you miss them…
Be mysterious…
NEVER settle for less than you deserve or want…
And always,

LIVE LIFE!!

The ability or will to live outside our natural comfort zone is something that most people will never think of doing, much less attempt. I’m not talking about abandoning all sense of responsibility or duty in day to day life. Unfortunately, that does seem to be a growing trait more and more people seem to be taking on in our society today. Not accepting responsibility for their actions or not being prepared for consequences is something that a lot of my generation seems to be embracing themselves and then passing on to our children. It’s much easier to shift blame or just ignore the facts of what our actions or words can cause.

Is everyone this way? No, thank goodness…there are still a majority of people that realize you have to be accountable and take a stand for what you truly believe in and let your life reflect those beliefs…and if things don’t work out the way you thought they would or should, take the consequences with grace and style…and move on.

HOWEVER, I have come to realize over time that there also has to be a balance, or rather there SHOULD be a balance in your life, that enables you to fulfill the duties and tasks you need to accomplish while at the same time always you not neglect the needs of your soul or the things that can make you happy. The things that might take you outside that comfort zone a lot of us seem to fall into and never leave.

Is finding that balance an easy thing to do? NO…it’s something that can and probably will cause that butterflies in your stomach feeling, sweaty palms and it’s pretty much guaranteed you will miss sleep while trying to find yourself. Is it something necessary to live life to it’s fullest so that you can one day look back at your life and truly have no regrets? No regrets for always having done what was always expected of you rather than what would have made you happy (even now and then)?

ABSOLUTELY!!!

I see examples of so many bitter unhappy people merely walking through their lives these days.
There are those that are dissatisfied with their lives or standing in society. The ones that are unhappy with their own choices and instead want to blame others rather than themselves when life doesn’t work out the way they planned. They end up feeling alone or stupid because of decisions they have freely made. It almost seems they take comfort in their misery and are almost anxious to wallow in their discomfort rather than take steps to improve the things making them miserable.

Next there are those that believe by taking care of everyone around them at the expense of themselves or their own happiness, that they somehow are doing the right thing. Instead, they end up cheating everyone around them, including themselves. They are robbing those they love of ever knowing the true person living within. The people that will freely take from them without interest or care for the sacrifices being made are being done no favors. The person that lives their life through the happiness of others is in essence wasting a huge part of themselves and their potential, often without anyone even noticing or caring.

Then there some, and in my opinion, the worst…those that are intent on thinking themselves above it all and better than their fellow man, even though a lot of their own actions are purely hypocritical and the same or worse than those they try to belittle. In the end, they only end up making themselves look foolish in the process and rarely see it. I have found that I have no patience or sympathy for anyone that makes the choice to be vindictive, mean spirited or judgemental toward others instead of putting responsibility on themselves or living their own lives. I do however, pity those stuck in that rut of unhappiness or deceit, and for the people that have to live with or interact with them over and over again. The masks they think they wear so carefully are often instead transparent to everyone around them.

I know I can’t change all of the wrongs in the world by myself or always worry about what I cannot change in others. I don’t plan to look back on my life one day and lament the fact that I missed out on things I should have taken a chance on. The things that at the time might have seemed crazy or scary or stupid…something not in my “comfort zone”.

Over the last few years I have embraced this philosophy. In doing so, at times the decisions I’ve made have turned out to be terrific ones where I’ve grown, learned and purely enjoyed. At times, as will happen, some choices were ones in the end I’d have rather not made, but I still learned from those choices as well. It turns out even tough lessons are valuable ones if you let them be.

I plan to keep living life and taking chances outside what is merely expected of me. In the process I will try to never purposely do harm to others or shirk responsibilities that are all important in life. By the same token however, I also never plan to quit growing or experiencing the flavors and colors of life, or for that matter shrink away from confrontations if they are warranted. I will not sacrifice my full potential or happiness out of fear or by trying to take care of everyone else but myself in a misguided attempt to be selfless or a martyr.

I will try to always take chances when I can, even when I’m uncertain of the outcome. This is what keeps us vital and young and moving ahead. It keeps us from becoming stagnant, unhappy or bitter because of missed opportunities or from blaming others for what we decide to do or not do with our lives. It keeps us from having disappointment in how our lives turn out.

So I’m living my life as I started this post, continuing to move forward with my eyes wide open, head held high and my mind open to what is to come, even in these uncertain times.

Living your life well IS truly the best “revenge” against disappointment or being stuck in a rut with no chance of escape. It’s not comfortable at times to believe in yourself, but life will certainly never be dull!

~Live well, laugh often, love passionately~

Reality, The Final Frontier...What a Concept!

In life, there will come a time when you have to admit a few things to yourself...if you dare. The sheer force of your will is not enough. You can only do what YOU can do in situations, both in your life or in events that concern you...but ultimately you cannot make anyone else do the things you think they should or the things you need for them to do for your peace of mind. You cannot control everything around you all the time. There will be situations in which you have to trust enough and go with your gut feeling or let someone else take the lead, even if you believe it's not the shortest path to where you need to go or you can't see the outcome from the start. You will fail from time to time, and if you don't...then you're not playing fair somewhere along the line.

Even someone that loves you or that you love with all your heart, will at times disappoint or hurt you. It's up to you to decide what you do about it and whether the hurt is a temporary and sometimes necessary curve in the journey, or whether it's a detour that won't ever lead to where you want to be. If the person is truly important to you and your life, weigh these choices carefully before you act. Some bridges can never be recrossed once they are traveled over. There will be times though, when enough is enough. Learn the difference.

Not every day will be a good one. Some days will swing from the highest highs to the lowest lows with remarkable speed simply because of an unexpected phrase or thoughtless comment expressed from someone you trust, love or depend on. These comments are probably not thought twice about, much less ever meant to upset you. Try to remember that hurt feelings are not fatal.

Remember when someone acts in ways that confound or confuse you out of the blue, that they might in fact be coming from a place of fear themselves and their behavior is a protective measure on their part. Don't always make it about yourself. Stop to consider what else may be going on beneath the surface and why. Also stop to remember why they are in your life in the first place and that you want them there for a reason.

Tell or show people how important they are to you often...just because, and don't expect it in return or be hurt if the people around you don't always do the same to you. Love and respect can't be mandated or scheduled for others by you. At times love is only a silent player much like the wind...some days it's a gale, some days a mere breeze. You can feel it in every fiber of your being without always having to have flashy demonstrations of it's existence. Learn to appreciate all the subtle nuances of it's presence as well..they are just as precious..at times more so.

People love and express love in their own unique, individual ways. None of these ways are perfect, nor can be judged as right or wrong. Just because someone doesn't love you exactly the way you want them to, doesn't mean they aren't giving you all they are capable of giving. If it's not enough for YOU, it is then your problem..not theirs. Only you can decide to walk away or not at that point. Don't get involved with someone expecting to change them or for them to change for you. We females are notorious for this.

Whether you consider yourself religious, spiritual or a freak of nature that is on this Earth by mere coincidence of atoms colliding...the Good Book still has some common sense rules of humanity to live by. Treat others as you'd like to be treated...don't always envy what someone else has and take for granted the good things in your own life...and karma or fate or destiny (whatever you choose to call it) will indeed come full circle if you choose to tempt it too many times. Don't cry over spilt milk and don't assume that getting said milk without ever any commitment to the cow will be without consequences.

Bottom line, growing up is not for the faint of heart. Courage, responsibility and honor are not givens in your character, but developed by the way you choose to live your life and treat others.
Try not to be trivial or sleaze your way through life..make a difference where you can, while you can. Make your mark on this world instead of being like gum on the bottom of someones shoe.

If these simple common sense concepts are too much for your meager brain to handle or for your corrupt soul to fathom, then trust me...you won't have many people eager to spend time with you. Playing dumb or trying to be "cute" all the time without ever being real, wears thin quickly. Have some substance and backbone in all that you do, even during play.
Learn to make a difference.

Begin with you.

Emotionally Unavailable, Irresistible and Fabulous

Females are taught from birth, that men are supposed to be the pursuers, while women are supposed to be coy, quiet, and apprehensive. As nature has made us, women tend to be sexually selective and play hard to get, while men fight each other for the reproductive opportunities we offer them in order to make sure the species survives. Women are therefore presumed to be predestined as the picky sex and men have the role of winning them over with their worth and charm. Winning them over that is, when they're not too busy being aloof and calling the shots as to the tempo in the relationship. Well, at least that's what many biological and evolutionary theorists argue anyway. Personally, I think they might all have been dropped on their heads at birth, but that's a debate for another time.I've recently discovered another itty bitty well kept secret in the relationship wheel of fortune...a nugget of wisdom that will aid many travelers on the road not taken...the art of being Emotionally Unavailable, or EU for short.

"You should bottle this emotional unavailability thing...it's better than perfume and a mini-skirt for attracting men and getting noticed." Such was a friend's reaction to the flood of attention I received from men at one point in time, all because for a year or more, I became completely, utterly, totally emotionally unavailable (EU). The results of this emotional "scent" have been rather baffling to my friends. After all, isn't it men who are usually the emotionally unavailable gender? Aren't we females supposed to be giving THEM signals that we are interested instead of giving off an essence that we're not?

When it comes to being EU however, we're not talking about being selective or playing hard to get. (and if that's your game, know that playing hard to get DOES NOT work.) Men have equally strong opinions of the hard-to-get as they do of the easy-to-get women. Your best strategy is to play selectively hard-to-get if you really want a guy. This kind of woman is always the most popular among men if she knows how to use such strategies in a skillful way...think seduction and discretion. The thing with the emotionally unavailable woman is that she really and truly DOESN'T care if she's involved with anyone...she really has no need for a relationship at the moment and would rather focus on other things. She's either too busy, too tired, being pulled in too many directions, or has recently been too emotionally burnt or scarred to have the desire to play or engage in any games, pursuit, or selection process.

The irony of all this becomes, when a woman is truly emotionally unavailable, the men start dropping like flies. In a lot of ways, this woman is now his dream girl. Amongst the flock of women throwing themselves at him, not only does she present a challenge (something men love), but she also offers no threat of things getting too emotional or heavy any time too soon. Furthermore, she's not frigid, mean, or impossible to get along with due to mood swings, she just doesn't care where things go or what happens..she's politely detached. She has no agenda, no mission to get a ring on her finger, no vision of him meeting her parents, no plans to start popping out babies anytime soon, if ever... you get the picture.

So how does one become emotionally unavailable? While there are tons of ways to become "EU," I thought I'd start with the Top 5 suggestions for achieving your goal:

1. Stay busy, maintaining a jam-packed schedule. If you don't have the time to think about relationships, then they can't become a priority and you are less likely to stress over your status. This will make you less likely to respond to his email or return his phone call, at least any time soon. Ultimately, you'll stay on his radar longer because you're not giving him your full attention from the get-go and are in the driver's seat in whether or not things will happen.

2. Travel, a lot if possible. People who are always on the road (or in the air) have difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship. The fact that you're always out of town will excuse you from not being overly attentive to a beau, but not rule out any potential. You just don't have the time to get serious right now, literally. You avoid dealing him an ego bruise, which will keep the door open. This tip will also make it easier to avoid even starting a relationship in the first place, if that is what makes things easier.

3. Go on a relationship hiatus. Make a pledge to yourself that for the next "X" weeks or months, you will only be involved with yourself, taking the time to do everything you've been wanting to do to better yourself, take care of yourself, and love yourself. This will help you deflect any eager beaver attempts on his part until you're ready for them, upping the anticipation for him. This may be lonely, especially in the dark hours of the night when your mind has time to think..but in the long run will do a lot of good if you decide to come out of hiatus. You'll be more prepared to start something new with no residual baggage.

4. Throw yourself into a long-term project. Choose to write a book or screenplay, plot world domination, move or redecorate your house, do something which will demand 99% of your attention and focus. When you finally DO make the time to surface for some fun, make sure your friends get first dibs on your remaining 1%. Any males can join your posse in tow if they're up for it. It's the only way you can "squeeze" him in.

5. Look dynamite whenever you go out. If you're giving off the aura that you could care less if you meet somebody, men will be even more intrigued that you're all dolled up, but for whom? What purpose does this serve, he will wonder. What does this woman have going on that I need to know about? An air of mystery is always sexy and alluring...and the best part is, you could really care less at this point. You're not playing hard to get, you ARE hard to get. It's more alluring than any other lure you can imagine.


Of course, being emotionally unavailable "should" only happen for random periods of time in a perfect world. For some of us, it's permanent after a while if we keep up the shields for too long. You have to realize that at some point if you want to not be alone, you will have to emerge from the self-imposed hiatus and take a chance on life and love again. After a while, you'll have so many men falling at your feet that you'll be forced to begin to entertain the thought of getting involved with at least one of them a little more seriously. In the meantime, see being EU as a way to focus on yourself, tend to the non-relationship needs in your life, and as a means to let guys come after you. You may be surprised by the end result.