Predict This!

I don’t mind getting wrinkles. The way I see it, wrinkles are just a natural part of going through life. I’ve earned the smile lines on my face from seeing the world through a slightly sarcastic wit and with humor. I’ve even earned a worry line or two as I’ve raised my children or navigated my way through any pitfalls and challenges I’ve encountered. I wear my wrinkles with pride.

I don’t even mind too much the fact that on some days my “get up and go” seems to have done “gone up and went” and left in its wake a sore muscle or two where previously I would have been none the worse for wear. I’ve found ways to work around sore backs or the occasional lack of energy when I’ve been overly ambitious and forgotten the day before that even though my mind still THINKS like a 20-year-old, my body works like a 40 something and will loudly let me know when I’ve done more than I should. I just plan for recovery time and keep the Tylenol handy as needed.

For the most part, I enjoy this stage of life very much.

What DOES bug the holy heck out of me, is not being able to SEE anymore!

I’ve never had great eyesight. I’ve been very nearsighted since 5th grade, a legacy from my Mom. I started wearing contacts in 6th grade and have never looked back (so to speak). The fact that I don’t have and will never have 20/20 vision has always just been a constant in my life and not such a big deal. I have slowly come to the growing realization over the past few years however, that I can no longer see anything right in front of my nose without wearing my Dollar Tree readers. I am officially now blind as a bat, without the benefit of sonar. It turns out that aging is not indeed for wimps.

Plainly put, if I manage to somehow wander out into the world without one of my several dozen pair of reading glasses close at hand, I’m a menace to society. At the very least, I’m prone to severe fubars when it comes to deciphering details on packages or when reading menus in restaurants. My grown children have many stories of horror where they have had to read menu selections to Mom in full view of the public.

Now, finally to my problem de jour. Texting.

I’m hip..I really REALLY am. (quit laughing) I was geeky when geeky wasn’t cool and have maintained my stellar dork status throughout my life by staying current with new technology. I twitter. I blog. I instant message with a favorite Yankee frequently. I get it. While I still enjoy reading an actual book over owning a Kindle or iPad, and on occasion still would rather compose an old-fashioned snail-mail letter or send a handwritten card vs. an e-card, I for the most part, love the convenience of all things electronic. I will admit that I do have my own way of doing things and might put my own twist on how I use all these “timesavers”. Nonetheless, I stay well versed in most of the newest and at times silliest trends and innovations that come down the proverbial pike.

Texting, however, has become quite a challenge at times. I sit and watch my kids as they text. The blur of their fingers as they massacre the English language in 160 characters or less, yet can still manage to broker world peace, carry on a verbal conversation AND order pizza at the same time, astounds me. Without a single thought or even a glance most of the time, they can fly on tiny keyboards of varying designs and most of the time, I can even make out the real meaning of what they meant to convey as pertinent information in their texts to me.

Here’s where my individuality (you do remember that dying trait, don’t you?) comes in. My phone has dual keyboards. I love the versatility and many possibilities of it. Not only do I have an actual numerical keyboard to make calls with, I also have a full QWERTY keyboard at the ready for texting or composing my version of War and Peace should I so choose to do so on the flea sized keys. Instead of using the itty bitty “full” size keyboard though, I prefer to use the wonders of “predictive text” instead when I send my pearls of wisdom, edicts from Mom, sarcastic thoughts or purely flagrant flirting out to the world.

This is where the problem begins.

It turns out to my absolute amazement, that predictive text, ISN’T really all that predictive when it comes to putting together words that actually make sense when composing a text message. Who knew?? Apparently everyone but me.

Obviously whomever predicted how most people speak was from Mars (or a man). They also were obviously in severe need of a Magic 8 ball if this is their version of prediction.

Call me crazy, but when I want the word “it” in a sentence, for some reason, I find no rhyme or reason as to why, my phone insists on putting “ht” in as what it THINKS I mean to say. HT isn’t a word in any language I’ve ever encountered, yet my SMARTphone, insists on putting it into everything I write. My shortcoming in not always having reading glasses around when I might need them (insert, all the time) means that anyone receiving my texts has to learn to decipher what I meant to say rather than the cryptic mess of characters they might actually receive. I choose to think of it as creating my own language. Heck, that’s what the kids do with LOL and LMAO and TTFN, so why can’t I invent “senior moment texting”?

Other common words that are likely to be inserted by mistake include, but are not limited to…”nope” for “more”, “of” rather than “me”, “tie” instead of “the” and the ever popular “duck” rather than, well you get the idea. Suffice it to say that I’ve discovered the HARD way that predictive text was not really designed with sexting in mind either.

Most of the time, the people I’m texting are either related to me or are as “mature” in years as I am and have known me a long time, so they are used to whatever might cross their screens and knows what I meant to say and interpret it pretty well. They already know that I use correct grammar and spelling in my texts because the teacher in me will not allow me to use “text-speak” with a clear conscious. Well, I TRY to use correct spelling and punctuation, when I can see what I’m doing and the crack predictive text will let me. On top of it all I think I must type with a Southern accent, so that might lead to a tad more confusion at times when colorful, apparently obscure (for Yankees anyway) phrases emerge from my brain.

Anyway, life goes on and I’m adapting in my own special way. I just simply pretend I MEANT to send whatever gibberish I convey and keep texting.

One of these days they’ll invent a keyboard that isn’t meant for fingers the size of gnats and a TV sized screen for we baby boomers that might be becoming a bit challenged with our eyesight. That way we can see what we’re doing and keep up with each other and all these young whippersnappers that are coming along behind us.

To paraphrase a movie quote from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, “I’m older and I spend more money”!! I may also be a tad meaner, but that’s an issue for another day. There HAS to be a growing market for those of us that are slightly sight challenged by our years of experience. (we’ll go with that. See, I CAN be politically correct at times!)

As for the attempts at marketing a phone meant for MY parents, the Jitterbug is a dance, not a phone. Please don’t insult our intelligence, however fleeting it may be. I refuse to be uncool, even it if means I keep sending my own unique brand of communications via text. Perhaps my new way of text-speak will become an overnight sensation.

Anyway BOT, IDK much but I’ll BBL and TTYL. CYA!!!

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

On this day in history, the little blue wonder pill, more commonly known as Viagra, finally got was was cumming to it!! On March 27, 1998, amid a rising swell of popularity, the US Food and Drug Administration approved it’s use in the United States. It burst onto the scene and has continued to expand it’s popularity time after time.

Sildenafil, the active drug in Viagra, was originally designed to lower blood pressure. Why simply lower blood pressure when you can raise the bar and produce a firm result in other areas of interest as well? The cheap magic manhood pills offered and available anonymously online immediately served as the ultimate turn on for spam filters worldwide when a sudden explosion of emails started to appear.

Up until it’s approval, the drug market had been limp and listless in the treatment of ED, struggling hard to stay on top of the situation. Viagra and it’s uplifting side effects were discovered quite by accident when those experiencing a new surge in their libido refused to return the medicine. While at first extremely HARD to get, it soon became clear it had massive staying power and would have a firm hold on consumers.

Rigid requirements at first made it hard to get your hands on. Through masterful manipulation of the media, however, a solid groundswell of popularity forced it to be thrust more quickly into production. That resulted in deep satisfaction among it’s many recipients.

So, it’s with GREAT pleasure and deep satisfaction we all take time and with a stroke or two of the pen, send our birthday wishes to the quicker, picker upper we have now grown to know as Viagra on it’s 11th birthday. May it always rise to the top among the stiff competition it faces.

It Ain't Easy Being Green, But Apparently It's VERY Stimulating! - March 17, 2009

Once again with the turn of the calendar, it’s the day to celebrate all things Irish and in the process, all things green. Why Crayola alone makes 20 different green crayons in varying hues, so there must be something to all this green fever!

Our language is liberally seasoned with metaphors, idioms and phrases all revolving around our obsession with the color of money and luck.

We are taught that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the green green grass of home is a good thing.

You can turn green with envy when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head.

Dr. Seuss pointed out that despite Sam I Am’s obsession with Green eggs and ham, that it’s probably not going to be a hot seller on the menu at IHOP or Waffle House anytime soon.

We wax poetic about the green green grass of home and how green the valley and play on fields of green while wearing green for luck.

We don’t know for sure, but it’s entirely possible that the GreenEyed Lady of Sugarloaf song fame…”Green eyed lady, ocean lady…Soothing every wave that comes” might have been Green around the gills if she was prone to seasickness by that ocean.

You can be a greenhorn, have a green thumb, or wait in the green room if you are a celebrity. You can get a green light to proceed in life or traffic. We love to have plenty of greenbacks in our pocket, especially in this economy.

According to Celtic myths, the Green Man was the God of Fertility.

Green has long been considered a metaphor and symbol for fertility and this was evident in the fifteenth (15th) century as Green was the preferred color for wedding attire.

The symbolism attached to the color Green continues to this day even though it has now taken on more modern meanings.

For instance, did you know that green M&M’s have long been the subject of myth as they are considered, by some, to have magical aphrodisiac powers? As to whether or not this is true is, of course, subject to interpretation, but I for one, always save the green M&M’s to eat last, just for luck. Apparently others must do the same thing because in 1996, a commercial was released that asked “Is it true what they say about green ones?” Hey, can’t hurt to try and M&M’s are MUCH cheaper than oysters or that famed little blue pill (not to mention a lot less slimy!).

Perhaps that why Kermit was always lamenting that “It ain’t easy being green” and explains why Ms. Piggy was always in hot pursuit of his cute little green tooshie. He is, after all, the very essence and symbol of fertility and the perfect aphrodisiac personified in amphibian form. I ask you, how could a mere female pig be expected to resist that??

Green occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye than most colors, and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world, making it an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

A few fun facts all surrounding the color green that you might not know…

Interesting information about green:

Green was the favorite color of George Washington, the first President of the United States.

The color green signifies mystical or magical properties in the stories of King Arthur.

Green is one color that means “low” or “guarded” in the color-coded threat system established by presidential order in March 2002. This system quickly informs law enforcement agencies when intelligence indicates a change in the terrorist threat facing the United States.

Green is the color used for night-vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to and able to discern the most shades of that color.

Bright green is the color of the astrological sign “Cancer.”

Green ribbons have been used by a range of environmental groups to symbolize organ donation and transplant, awareness of Bipolar Disorder, solidarity with Chechnya, and support of farmers in America.

NASCAR racers have shared a bias against the color green for decades. Reportedly, it began after a 1920 accident in Beverly Hills, California, that killed defending Indianapolis 500 champion Gaston Chevrolet. It was the first known racing accident in the United States to kill two drivers, and Chevrolet reportedly was driving a green car. Tim Richmond once refused to drive a car sponsored by Folger’s decaffeinated coffee because the primary color was green. He wound up in the Folger’s regular coffee car - and its red scheme. But the fear of green cars is fading, primarily because sponsors are willing to pay $15 million to splash their colors on a race car. Green is now the primary color of cars driven by Mayfield, Marlin, and J.J. Yeley.

Green in athletics and sports:

In auto racing, a green flag signals the start or resumption of a race.

The green belt in Judo symbolizes green trees. Just as a green tree is the tallest living thing, so should our own pursuit of knowledge be, aiming high and keeping the goal of our achievement (top of the trees) in high esteem.

Green as a Signature Color:

Kermit the Frog

Companies or brands identified primarily with green:

H&R Block

BP

Heineken

Starbucks

The Masters Golf Tournament

Rolling Rock

Garnier Fructis

John Deere

What it says about you when you buy a green vehicle…

There is no question that the vehicle you drive is an extension of your personality — an unspoken, but clear message to the rest of the world.

The message you send by driving a vehicle that is Dark Green: Traditional, trustworthy, well-balanced.

If, however, your vehicle is a Bright Yellow-Green, you give a different impression: Trendy, whimsical, lively.

The color green is said to affect us physically as well in these ways:

Soothes

Relaxes mentally, as well as physically

Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety

Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra, also known as Anahata.

This chakra is located at the center of the chest area and is linked to the heart, lungs, circulatory system, cardiac plexus, and the complete chest area.

The Heart Chakra bridges the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds. Opening the Heart Chakra allows a person to love more, empathize, and feel compassion.

Gemstones that will aid the Heart Chakra include jade and malachite.

And finally, just so we don’t leave anyone out…

Green around the globe:

Green is used worldwide to represent safety.

In several religions, green is the color associated with resurrection and regeneration.

In Ghardaia and other parts of M’zab, houses painted in green indicate that the inhabitants have made a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Green, blue-green, and blue are sacred colors in Iran, where they symbolize paradise.

As the emblematic color of Ireland, green represents the vast green hillsides, as well as Ireland’s patron saint, St. Patrick.

In Japan, green is regarded as the color of eternal life.

In Aztec culture, green was considered to be royal because it was the color of the quetzal plumes used by the Aztec chieftains.

The solid green flag of Libya is currently the only national flag of a single color.

In China, jade stones represent virtue and beauty.

In Portugal, green is the color of hope because of its associations with spring.

In the highlands of Scotland, people used to wear green as a mark of honor.

There is a superstition that sewing with green thread on the eve of a fashion show brings bad luck to the design house.

Personally given the whole aphrodisiac thingy, I’m thinking we should all dye ourselves green for the day. Hey, if it works for Kermit, who are we to argue with success?? *wink*

Wishing you a rainbow

For sunlight after showers—

Miles and miles of Irish smiles

For golden happy hours—

Shamrocks at your doorway

For luck and laughter too,

And a host of friends that never ends

Each day your whole life through!

The Best and The Worst of Times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.

It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity...

It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.

It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

We had everything before us, we had nothing before us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way . . ."

"All going direct the other way." Somehow with the news of AIG's latest and greatest claim to fame this morning of it's plan to give out 165 Million dollars, the "other way" that Dickens speaks of seems to indicate the other way we are all going directly to is in fact, hell in a hand basket. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 (of course, unless you're entitled to a bailout), do NOT go directly to jail, even if you are well deserving of doing so, it seems.

I don' t know about you, but I'm one of the so called "little people" or middle class or what is quickly becoming the group falling through the cracks. I'm not entitled enough to skate through on my "last" couple of million bucks or downtrodden enough to qualify for free handouts from the government (yet). I'm simply in the group of trying to be responsible and pay our bills the best way we can amongst growing unemployment or shrinking salaries. The ones making do with what we have, rather than trying to find ways to work the system or have someone swoop in and rescue us or pay our way.

Granted, day to day living is not always a bunch of laughs. I seem to have missed the memo where I was promised that life would always be fun or easy. Silly me, I was raised to find ways to take care of things that were my responsibility. While I'd love to live high on the hog all the time with penthouses, expensive vacations and lots of "toys", I was taught that I was old enough for my wants not to hurt me. I learned that if I can't afford something, then I have to wait until I can and make do with dreams until I find a way to make it happen. In doing so, I learned to appreciate the good things even more when they arrived or were earned. I learned pride and perseverance. Qualities all that need we are going to have to find again and learn to teach those survival skills to our children..many of whom have never heard the word no or had to do without.

So news this morning of yet more stupidity on MY hard earned dime is purely starting to piss me off. It turns out the division that is receiving the "gift" of our tax payer money in the form of bonuses, is the division whose risky contracts caused massive losses to the insurer in the first place. Has the world lost all sense of reason? Am I the ONLY one that sees the irony and idiocy in all of this? The taxpayer funded bailout (I refuse to call it the Recovery and Reinvestment Act, what a load of manure...playing with semantics won't make it more palatable) is in effect being used to REWARD those that cause it to be needed in the first place. The vivid image of a cat chasing it's tail comes to mind.

I personally don't give a flying flip that AIG is "contractually" obligated to pay these bonuses...the game and world has changed and along with it the rules. The excuse that they would be sued if they didn't fork over the money doesn't hold water with me. Let the people that helped cause this mess sue to get their blood money, I double dog dare them. If they have the kahonas to file a public lawsuit and face the public outrage, I say, let them go for it...but do NOT just meekly hand them the money. Make them actually do some work for it. Lord knows, they didn't do work or practice due diligence to earn it in the first place. When are we going to start putting our collective feet down and say we're mad as hell and NOT going to take it anymore??

The government and our illustrious administration is all over the place on every single issue put in front of it. They manage to come down on both sides of every issue, sometimes within the confines of a single speech. First we're in a catastrophic crisis that is going to get hellaciously worse. Then as of last week, all of the sudden, maybe it's NOT as bad as we thought? HUH?? Excuse me??? It just all leaves you scratching your head and saying what in heavens are they all thinking? ARE they thinking at ALL or is everyone just throwing a dart at a big board of possible outcomes and using it as the message of the day? No wonder the stock market and consumers are totally devoid of direction or confidence. I have said many times in the past 4 to 5 months, that my head is going to literally explode one of these days as I listen to yet one more speech or lecture from our leaders. Maybe that's the grand master plan...To have as many of us stroke out from frustration over the mixed messages, ineptitude and confusion being spread by those we elected to higher power.

I'm here to say, just as many others more learned than I am..that life is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. You can bet your bottom dollar on it or take it to the bank (just make sure it's a solvent one). We have all enjoyed the decades of excesses and must now fall back to earth and our roots. Many of us in our 40's or 50's remember our parents teaching us right from wrong. Somehow that message got lost or ignored along the way in the name of profit or greed or keeping up with the neighbor next door. We allowed ourselves to make excuses or allowances for why we deserved to have more than we had actually earned. It's now costing us all.

It's going to be painful, but not fatal. We are capable of fixing this mess and finding a sensible middle ground on which to now live. Will our world ever be the same again? No, I personally don't think so. This is not just a localized problem in our nation, it's a worldwide meltdown. The world and all our ways of living are now changed. Given the scope of the mess we're fighting our way through, we never should have been living life the way we were in the first place. Moderation and common sense are going to have to prevail.

It's not as bad as it sounds to find new ways of doing things. There will be positives amongst the icky stuff to come. We'll find who we can depend on and rediscover or find in the first place ways to enjoy ourselves and families without the distraction of so much "stuff" getting in the way. We will learn if we're smart enough to pay attention, that there are more things important than getting a new car every year or going on several fancy vacations a year so we can compare pictures with our friends and have a contest to determine who had the best time or spent the most money. Who knows? Simple pleasures just may be rediscovered along with the joy they can bring. To learn appreciation for living life without so much pressure to always have more and the finding that even the more is never enough.

We have to stop the stupidity of letting the inmates rule the asylum. To continue to let executives or those so used to "playing the game" keep sliding things past us on the rails of excuses or reasons why things CAN'T be changed, has to stop. The government has to develop a backbone, stop trying to please everyone and start handing out consequences for bad behavior. Let the big boys fail...nothing is TOO big or TOO important to fail. Someone or a better organization will rise to take their place.

It's the American way. Now we all just need to remember what that way is and work to build a better more stable foundation that has some common sense...and learn to savor the good things before always needing more.

The lyrics of a Styx song, "The Best of Times" come to mind...

Tonight's the night well make history honey, you and I..
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight.

I know you feel these are the worst of times..
I do believe its true
When people lock their doors and hide inside.

Rumor has it its the end of paradise
But I know, if the world just passed us by
Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry.

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain, some shine, we'll make this a world for two..
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime.

We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday well find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

The headlines read these are the worst of times,
I do believe its true.
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide.

I wish the summer winds could bring back paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you'd always be around.

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain, some shine, we'll make this a world for two..
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime.

We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times..
These are the best of times.

And
So my friends we'll say goodnight..for time has claimed its prize.
But tonight will always last
As long as we keep alive memories of paradise...